Meet Gollum - My Condo Manager

Posted by KaraLee Foat on Thursday, November 23rd, 2017 at 11:54am.

I've never met my condo manager but I imagine she looks exactly like Gollum, hugging our condo bylaws in a cave and repeating 'my precious' all day long.

Every interaction I have with Gollum is trite and aggravating. I shouldn't like her. But I do.

All condos have a condo board made up of owners. I like to imagine that my condo board is comprised of Hobbits living at the far end of the complex.

I worry about everything inside my walls. The Hobbits take care of those walls and everything outside.

The Hobbits (should) meet regularly to ensure the buildings, grounds, parkades, and everything else the condo owns is taken care of. They (should) be watching the condo's finances and spending our condo fees wisely. They (should) make sure the reserve fund has ample money in an account, just in case the roof collapses. Or if my alcoholic neighbor's oven explodes and there's a catastrophic amount of damage.

If they do all of this, I will forgive their hairy footprints all over the common areas and happily pay my condo fees.

But a condo corporation is not the Shire. Hobbits don't have any experience running a condo corporation. It's not a happy go lucky land where everyone gets along and condo fees never need to increase.

So the Hobbits hire a professional to oversee everything. Gollum.

I'm thankful for Gollum. The Hobbits would be lost without her.

Gollum gets stuff done. She jumped into action when I had an issue with the landscapers, or when the garbage building was getting gross, or when our alcoholic neighbor fell asleep with music blaring all night. (I miss you, Ross. Thanks for offering me Budweisers at 10 am while you laze on the porch in jeans and tube socks, but no shirt.)

Gollum loves provincial legislation regarding condominium corporations. 

Gollum will bore you to death discussing condo insurance policies.

Gollum does not know how to write a kind letter. But that doesn't stop her from writing one when she knows the condo's reserve fund is low and every condo owner needs to pay an extra $150 this year.

I'm confident that deep down, in the bowels of her cave, she is holding all of our condominium's 'precious' documents. And, for an outrageous fee, I can access them.

All Hobbits and humans should be particularly concerned about these documents. When we finally decide to sell our condo, prospective buyers will want to see these documents. They will have them professionally reviewed. I'm screwed if the reviewer thinks the Hobbits are spending too much time on ridiculous quests with wizards and Gollum isn't keeping them in line.

Gollum, I hope I never have to talk to you again. That would mean the largest investment of my life is well taken care of.


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